Officially Nursing a Toddler!

Finnegan became one year on the 18th. 

There is no end in sight to our beautiful breastfeeding relationship. 

Breast is Best (Especially the second time around)

Reflections

When I was pregnant the question of whether or not to breastfeed was a no-brainer to me. Of course I would breastfeed, and not only that, I fully intended on breastfeeding my baby into toddler-hood, when I would allow him to decide when to end our breastfeeding journey. I always believed that 'breast is best' and had no doubt that we would have a beautiful breastfeeding relationship. I was so confident that I did not even bother reading a single article on breastfeeding troubles or what to expect.

We had planned a home birth, but after a long labor at home I was simply too exhausted to continue and needed a change of scenery. We transferred to the hospital where I had a quick and easy delivery. The experience was beautiful, my baby was beautiful, life was good. When we tried to initiate breastfeeding, Finn did this funny little thing where he sucked on his lower lip, instead of opening wide and accepting my breast. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't establish breastfeeding right away, like I had always imagined.

That was the first hiccup in our breastfeeding journey. The second came five hours after Finn was born. We finally got him to latch for the first time. I was very shocked by how uncomfortable it was. Everything I read said that if it hurt, you were doing it wrong. Well, it hurt (a lot), and according to the nurses and the lactation consultant, we were doing it right. Breastfeeding very painful for me in the first couple of weeks after birth. I thought that there must be something wrong with his latch, but he was a perfect little nurser. I felt helpless, depressed, tired, scared, and desperate.

Needless to say, adjusting to motherhood was very unlike what I had imagined it would be. The first week was easy. Finnegan slept constantly and I remember saying to my husband, "Wow, this is not nearly as hard as I thought it would be!" Things got rough as we entered the second week. I was having a lot of pain while breastfeeding, so much so that I would bite my lip not to scream when he latched. It felt like somebody was cutting my nipples with little razor blades. I would shake and cry in the middle of the night when it came time to breastfeed. I was terrified of the pain and I hated feeding my baby. I became so desperate that I begged my husband to let us switch to formula. Eric was extremely reluctant, but I was simply not in a good place emotionally, so when Finnegan was three weeks old we switched from exclusively breastfeeding to exclusively formula feeding.

It was as if a weight had been lifted. I finally began to bond with Finnegan like I never had until this point. I felt free and at ease for the first time since the baby was born. I will never regret taking a break from breastfeeding.

My midwives were pretty persistent in encouraging me to resume breastfeeding. I simply would not, however. When I was 6 weeks post-partum, one of my midwives suggested that I relactate. I thought she was crazy! After everything I had been through, there was no way I would resume breastfeeding, let alone work so hard to reestablish a relationship I purposefully ended just a few weeks prior. I suppose I was not ready at that point, but when Finnegan was 10 weeks old it just hit me out of nowhere that I wanted to breastfeed again.

I was nervous about relactation. I spent so many hours on the computer reading about the process and learning from other womens' success stories. I decided to just give it a shot, full-throtle! I stayed up all night pumping every two hours, had a lactation expert to my home the very next day. Within a few days of my decision I was taking 12 Fenugreek pills a day, pumping 12 times a day, and taking Reglan three times a day. I felt really discouraged at night time for the first few days. I had my pump situated beside our bed and when the alarm went off every 2nd hour I would roll onto the and attach myself to Medela and struggle not to fall asleep half naked on the ground. And even despite my extreme desire to sleep through these first few (really tough) night sessions, I powered through and began to see a daily increase, which kept me fully charged and motivated.

It took just about one month to go from only producing a few drops in an entire day to pumping 24 ounces of breast milk in 24 hours; a full supply for our little bundle.  I remember the moment that I realized that I had succeeded. It was actually after three whole days without formula.

 I looked up and realized that he was now exclusively receiving breast milk and I began to weep. 

It was a week later that I decided to begin feeding Finnegan exclusively at the breast. I was even more nervous about this transition. I was producing just enough for him to receive only breast milk. Also, with exclusively pumping and bottle feeding, I was absolutely sure that he was getting enough. It was easy to keep track of his consumption in bottles, but with nursing I could not tell how much he was getting or if it was enough. The first day was extremely discouraging. I wanted to quit and go back to breast milk in bottles after every session. He nursed every hour and was really fussy throughout the day and I was sure that I was starving him. But I did not give up! We made it through that incredibly high hump of anxiety and by day two he was nursing longer and seemingly more satisfied. It was as if he had to relearn breastfeeding exclusively and I had to regain faith in my body to do what it was made to do.

Breastfeeding is a wonderful gift. I hope that my story can help inspire other mommies overcome their fears, doubts, or hesitations, and to reach their breastfeeding goals. 

One Month

Our little Pierson has been exclusively breastfed for just over a month now.
He has been growing so well and learning so much.

     I have found a mommy to donate my breast-milk to long-term. She has a baby that is three months younger than Finnegan, who she nurses exclusively, but is unable to fully satisfy with her milk supply. I am pumping about 70 ounces a week to go to her little boy. When I was pregnant, it was always my hope to be able to both exclusively breastfeed my son and donate milk. 

19 Weeks Old

Breastfeeding exclusively has made nights a lot easier for all of us. Eric no longer has to get up at night to help, since Finn gets his food straight from the tap. We have brought Finnegan into our bed, where he sleeps next to me throughout the night. When he wakes up to eat, I pull him close to me and nurse him as we lay side and side. It is such a special experience. Every night is so calm and peaceful. 

For Sure For Sure

Finnegan's weight was taken at an appointment we had today and he has gained 16 ounces since his last weight-check. In EIGHT days! Now we can for sure for sure to be super sure that he's getting enough milk from me.

Oh, and that's not all! I have been pumping at night-time. Finn only nurses on one side at night, so I pump the other side and store it in the freezer the next day. I am putting about 6 or 8 ounces in the freezer every day! There should be close to 90 ounces in there, so far, and I fully intend on donating all of it. I cannot wait to help another baby get the very best.

Exclusively Breastfeeding

On Sunday, the 3rd of March, I began exclusively feeding Finnegan at the breast. Pumping out. Bottles out.

     Today will be the fourth day that we've been EBF. I was really nervous about switching over to exclusively breastfeeding because I had been pumping just enough every day to feed him. What if he wouldn't be getting enough? What if I was starving my baby?

     I am happy to say that my insecurities and worries have been lifted. Our LC came by this morning to weigh Finn, just to be sure that he was gaining well, and he has gained nearly a pound in the last 10 days! I am so relieved and excited! 

15 Weeks old

     I wasn't sure that breastfeeding was for me. I believed that I would be exclusively pumping for months and months to come. I feel so lucky to have a second chance to experience nursing my baby. It is an incredible and unique relationship that we share. I took it for granted in the beginning. I was tired and sad and my nipples were raw. Breastfeeding was a source of my anxiety in the first few weeks following Finn's birth. I don't feel like I was really able to bond with him until I quit breastfeeding and switched to formula. I am happy I stopped then, just as I am so grateful for this opportunity to reestablish that relationship that was lost.

Mission Possible

Today is day THREE of NO FORMULA! 

I have successfully relactated.

Tomorrow will mark four weeks that have passed from the time I began this journey. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been almost a month! The time has passed so quickly. 

I hope that I can inspire women who don't believe they have a second chance. 

I cannot describe the feeling it gives me to know that I am giving him the very best. 

Three Weeks

It has been three weeks since I began my relactation journey. Finnegan is now 13 weeks young and is a seriously skilled nurser! He nurses a couple times a day and I'm going to start making more of an effort to put him at the breast because I'm producing more and I am getting closer and closer to being able to satisfy his hunger all on my own.
 
     Yesterday, Eric and I were at Applebee's and Finnegan was fussing like a little devil so I whipped my boobie out and I fed him. The reason I first thought to start relactating was the time that Eric and I were at the Soy House and I wanted to nurse Finn. I finally got to experience nursing in public, without a cover, and I felt very empowered and proud of myself and my beautiful baby boy. He nursed for about 15 minutes and then he passed out. It was magic. Boobie magic.

Having a little snack!

    I am now pumping about half of Finnegan's daily needs. The small break I took did set me back a little but I still met my goal. I pump a bit more than 2 ounces every three hours. My goal from now on is to stick with it, nurse Finnegan more often, and hopefully in a couple weeks we'll be back to a full supply and cut out formula almost completely.

I wish that every woman knew about relactation. The body is an amazing thing and I am so proud of myself for the effort I've made to give my son the best.

Happy Valentine's Day

I was lazy the last couple of days and didn't pump every three hours. I skipped several pumps, actually. I feel like this was okay for me to do because I was getting a little bored/overwhelmed and it was nice to take a break. I'm ready to resume 3-hourly pumping and continue building my supply.

    Here's a quick update. Right before I decided to take a break I was pumping 2 1/2 ounces a session. If I had continued that I would have gotten 20 ounces in one day! My breasts are definitely larger. It's really noticeable and they also get noticeably larger when it comes time to pump. I'm so happy to be full of milk once again. The one downside is that my breasts ITCH. So badly! It's intense. I hope it passes soon.

Happy Valentine's Day :)

Two Weeks Past

Today is day 14. I pumped over NINE ounces in day 13 and I have met my goal of pumping 1 ounce per session. For the past few days, I have been pumping every three hours instead of every two. I’m much happier with this less vigorous schedule. I also let myself skip a pump at night so that I can get adequate rest. My goal for the end of week 3 is to be pumping at least 1 ½ ounces per session, while I am tentatively hoping to pump 2 ounces every three hours by the end of week 3.

     It’s hard to believe that it’s been two weeks already. When I first began this journey, I could not imagine it would pass by so quickly. The first day was the hardest. I felt so discouraged by how little milk I was producing. By day two, I saw a slight increase, and from then on my milk doubled every few days. I feel that I have been so lucky to be this successful. I’m really satisfied with the progress we have made.

Day Ten: Truly Amazing

I am floored by the day to day increase I am seeing in my milk supply. I have figured out that, if I continue to increase at the rate I am each day, Finnegan and I will resume exclusively breastfeeding at the end of February or in early March. This is a truly incredible notion to me.

    I am positive that Finn is swallowing during our nursing sessions now. Even if it is just a few gulps, it counts. I notice that the breast he feeds from expresses less milk when I pump afterwards, as well.

Day 10 -24 hour period

With every day that passes, I feel more and more encouraged. I am so proud of Finn for being such a great nurser, and I am proud of myself for being so dedicated to this effort.

Progress! Progress! Progress!

I am seeing a fantastic increase in my milk supply. Just the other day when Finnegan was nursing I think he actually swallowed! I'm so excited about the new pump that I picked up today. I just used it for the first time and it's really a world of difference. I can tell that it's going to help a lot with my relactation.

Day Five - 24 hour period

Day Eight - 24 hour period

     Look at that increase! In just three days! Now I can give Finn a bottle of breast-milk everyday! I feel so accomplished. I can tell already that today (day nine) I am going to get more than yesterday. It's so super encouraging to see such a great increase day to day. Clearly, I have already reached the goal I set for the end of week two, which was to pump two ounces in 24 hours. I'm going to reset my goal. By the end of week two I want to be pumping one ounce at each pumping session.

Sweet Sweet Victory

I am so happy to say that I have met my goal that I set earlier this week! It is day five. Every time I have pumped today, I have been able to fill the bottom of the bottle. I originally set this goal to be met at the end of week one. It is very encouraging to have met it before the week has come to a close. I am now expressing big fat drops of milk and both of my nipples spray a bit when I pump. My breasts feel fuller as well. My new goal, for the end of week two, is to pump 2 ounces in 24 hours.

Day Three - 24 hour period

Day Four - 24 hour period

    I have been taking the Fenugreek since day two and my armpits smell like maple syrup! I remember reading that they would smell this way if I were taking enough, but I was still surprised when I caught a whiff. My husband came home and I said, “Eric! Smell my pits. Do it. Trust me.” He came up and stuck his nose where it counts and exclaimed, “MAPLE SYRUP!” And we cracked up.  

    On Wednesday, I picked up my prescription for Reglan. I was not so sure about taking it at first, especially after seeing a significant increase in my milk supply without it. However, I have decided that I am going to do everything I can to get my milk supply up as fast as possible, and if Reglan will help in that process, then it’s worth risk of side-effects.

    I was expecting this to be a very stressful experience, but I’m having so much fun. I am more and more encouraged with each day that passes and I feel so optimistic. 

Giving Finnegan my breast when he is fussy.
He always calms down right away
and usually falls asleep! Boobie magic.

                                                   

Determination

This morning I had our appointment with the LC. We talked about my progress so far and got into a chat about our birth stories and how strange labor and delivery is. After a while, I put the SNS on and Finn latched on and nursed like a champ! After seeing how well Finn took my breast, Anne said that she was really optimistic and proud. She told me that there is a very good chance that I will be able to exclusively breastfeed. I feel so encouraged and so happy! During our first appointment she was telling me that there was a very small chance I could ever EBF again and that I would most likely be able to only partially breastfeed him. Her confidence in us makes me feel so much motivation and even more determination.                               

Still a pacifier for now!

                               

    She suggested that I get a hold of my midwife so that I could get a prescription for medication that will help build my supply. I called Kim’s office (midwife) and left a message with the front desk. I am hoping she gets back to me today so that I can start the medication as soon as possible.

    After my initial breastfeeding experience, I could have never imagined I would be so excited to breastfeed again. I am overjoyed and full of anticipation.

SNS Success

I was nervous about trying this today because the LC told me that it would be tricky. That’s why we have an appointment with her tomorrow, is so she can come and show me how to use it. Turns out, I’m a pro! Finn’s a pro. He latched right on, sucked, and stayed on until the formula was gone. I’ll admit, it is kind of strange knowing that it is not my breast-milk he is getting, but the stimulation he is giving me will help so much in building my supply back up. I don’t know if I can do this with every feeding, but I will certainly try to do it a few times a day.

Suckin the Toobie

Keeping Track!

Day One

I remind myself that everyday brings me closer to regaining the most special and unique relationship with my son. It's difficult to get up in the middle of the night to pump and that is always when I feel like I want to quit, but I keep telling myself in those moments that I DO NOT WANT TO QUIT. I can do this! It WILL happen eventually.

One Day at a Time

10 weeks old and latched on like a champ!

 I have been pumping at least every 2 hours since 7:15pm on January 27^th, 2013. So far I have had 20 sessions of hand-expressing or electric-pumping. There have been plenty of moments where I wanted to quit already. I am barely making any milk and this is such an overwhelming feat, if you allow yourself to think about it. I have resolved to set short-term goals. My goal for the end of week 1 is to be able to fill just the bottom of the bottle. I’m thinking I can do this, because after just over one day I am already seeing an INCREASE! I am so excited and so encouraged. It’s barely noticeable, but before I was only getting like 10 drops every two hours, now I will express just as much, go back to the breast in a few minutes and get that much again! I can tell from what has collected so far today in the pumping bottle that I am getting more already.

     Yesterday a lactation consultant came to meet me in my home. She recommended fenugreek and an SNS (supplemental nursing system). I picked up fenugreek at the grocer last night, and purchased my SNS today. I’m eager to try it out, but I have another appointment with Anne (the LC) tomorrow so that she can show me how to use it.

     Finn had his first appointment with his new pediatrician today. When they asked me about what he eats, I was happy to say, “Formula for now, but I am re-building my milk supply so that we can breastfeed exclusively.” 

Here we go, Here we go again!

Eric and I were at The Soy House, our favorite Vietnamese restaurant, when it occurred to me that I wanted to breastfeed my son. I had a bottle all ready for him in my bag, in case he got hungry, but when I thought of whipping out the bottle to feed him I realized that I would rather whip out my boob. Odd, right? That being in a public place would make me want to feed my baby with my boob, rather than a bottle? It is hard to describe, but I began to yearn for our breastfeeding relationship to return to what it was when he was first born. I only exclusively breastfed Finn for the first two weeks of his life, and then I switched to pumping. I pumped for a week and then quit altogether. It didn’t bother me that I wasn’t breastfeeding him anymore, I was actually a lot happier with bottle-feeding. I admit, it felt kind of weird the first time I gave him a bottle, but for the last 7 weeks, that is what has been working for us.

Finn -- 3 Days Old

    On the night of the 27^th, we were all pow-wowwin on the couch and I thought of trying to get Finn to latch, just to see if he could. To our surprise, he latched on right away! This shocked me because it was such a struggle in the first couple weeks to ever get him to latch. How could he go 8 weeks without seeing a boob and then totally just get it in seconds? It was amazing. Admittedly, he only stayed on for a few moments, but it gave me the idea to re-establish breastfeeding. In the 7 weeks since I last pumped, I haven’t stopped lactating. My midwife had propositioned me earlier this month to re-lactate, so I knew it was an option. She said it would be hard work, but I could build my milk supply up to what it was, and exclusively breastfeed my baby once again.

    I started the pump right away! And barely got anything. I won’t be discouraged, though. I know this is hard work and it is going to take a while, but I really feel that it will be worth it and that Finn and I deserve another shot.