Breast is Best (Especially the second time around)

Reflections

When I was pregnant the question of whether or not to breastfeed was a no-brainer to me. Of course I would breastfeed, and not only that, I fully intended on breastfeeding my baby into toddler-hood, when I would allow him to decide when to end our breastfeeding journey. I always believed that 'breast is best' and had no doubt that we would have a beautiful breastfeeding relationship. I was so confident that I did not even bother reading a single article on breastfeeding troubles or what to expect.

We had planned a home birth, but after a long labor at home I was simply too exhausted to continue and needed a change of scenery. We transferred to the hospital where I had a quick and easy delivery. The experience was beautiful, my baby was beautiful, life was good. When we tried to initiate breastfeeding, Finn did this funny little thing where he sucked on his lower lip, instead of opening wide and accepting my breast. I was a little disappointed that we couldn't establish breastfeeding right away, like I had always imagined.

That was the first hiccup in our breastfeeding journey. The second came five hours after Finn was born. We finally got him to latch for the first time. I was very shocked by how uncomfortable it was. Everything I read said that if it hurt, you were doing it wrong. Well, it hurt (a lot), and according to the nurses and the lactation consultant, we were doing it right. Breastfeeding very painful for me in the first couple of weeks after birth. I thought that there must be something wrong with his latch, but he was a perfect little nurser. I felt helpless, depressed, tired, scared, and desperate.

Needless to say, adjusting to motherhood was very unlike what I had imagined it would be. The first week was easy. Finnegan slept constantly and I remember saying to my husband, "Wow, this is not nearly as hard as I thought it would be!" Things got rough as we entered the second week. I was having a lot of pain while breastfeeding, so much so that I would bite my lip not to scream when he latched. It felt like somebody was cutting my nipples with little razor blades. I would shake and cry in the middle of the night when it came time to breastfeed. I was terrified of the pain and I hated feeding my baby. I became so desperate that I begged my husband to let us switch to formula. Eric was extremely reluctant, but I was simply not in a good place emotionally, so when Finnegan was three weeks old we switched from exclusively breastfeeding to exclusively formula feeding.

It was as if a weight had been lifted. I finally began to bond with Finnegan like I never had until this point. I felt free and at ease for the first time since the baby was born. I will never regret taking a break from breastfeeding.

My midwives were pretty persistent in encouraging me to resume breastfeeding. I simply would not, however. When I was 6 weeks post-partum, one of my midwives suggested that I relactate. I thought she was crazy! After everything I had been through, there was no way I would resume breastfeeding, let alone work so hard to reestablish a relationship I purposefully ended just a few weeks prior. I suppose I was not ready at that point, but when Finnegan was 10 weeks old it just hit me out of nowhere that I wanted to breastfeed again.

I was nervous about relactation. I spent so many hours on the computer reading about the process and learning from other womens' success stories. I decided to just give it a shot, full-throtle! I stayed up all night pumping every two hours, had a lactation expert to my home the very next day. Within a few days of my decision I was taking 12 Fenugreek pills a day, pumping 12 times a day, and taking Reglan three times a day. I felt really discouraged at night time for the first few days. I had my pump situated beside our bed and when the alarm went off every 2nd hour I would roll onto the and attach myself to Medela and struggle not to fall asleep half naked on the ground. And even despite my extreme desire to sleep through these first few (really tough) night sessions, I powered through and began to see a daily increase, which kept me fully charged and motivated.

It took just about one month to go from only producing a few drops in an entire day to pumping 24 ounces of breast milk in 24 hours; a full supply for our little bundle.  I remember the moment that I realized that I had succeeded. It was actually after three whole days without formula.

 I looked up and realized that he was now exclusively receiving breast milk and I began to weep. 

It was a week later that I decided to begin feeding Finnegan exclusively at the breast. I was even more nervous about this transition. I was producing just enough for him to receive only breast milk. Also, with exclusively pumping and bottle feeding, I was absolutely sure that he was getting enough. It was easy to keep track of his consumption in bottles, but with nursing I could not tell how much he was getting or if it was enough. The first day was extremely discouraging. I wanted to quit and go back to breast milk in bottles after every session. He nursed every hour and was really fussy throughout the day and I was sure that I was starving him. But I did not give up! We made it through that incredibly high hump of anxiety and by day two he was nursing longer and seemingly more satisfied. It was as if he had to relearn breastfeeding exclusively and I had to regain faith in my body to do what it was made to do.

Breastfeeding is a wonderful gift. I hope that my story can help inspire other mommies overcome their fears, doubts, or hesitations, and to reach their breastfeeding goals.